little miss's shower.

my little niecey-poo is less than two months away now, and we finally got to throw her a little party on saturday. the baby halfrican will be our family's first grandchild and my little bambino/a's best friend for life. and she's a girl so you can only imagine all the googling and awwwing over every little gift that my sister opened on saturday. why do little girl's clothes just make you want to squeal?

man this girlie is loved already.

and considering how many "flutters" i was feeling while in virginia for the shower, i think the babe pretty much adores its cousin already. can't wait for them to meet in the fall!!

one of our fun games taught women how to birth ping pong balls out of balloons. and don't we all feel a little more prepared for it?

one of the two precious baby girls in attendance. kind of...

the preggo hosts with the preggo mamma.

cousins...

and cousins to be!!

the lovely ladies who celebrated with us.

how was your weekend? any sweet babies to celebrate? 

ps, photos by martha, christine, and me!

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letters i wrote, two and three.

april 11, 2013

(~8 weeks) 

yesterday we took you to your first concert. it was one of our favorite bands. and as we walked through downtown durham, past all the little shops and restaurants, we realized, this is the town you are going to grow up in. these are the streets that we’ll go strolling down as a family. we are pretty sure we already know where we’ll be taking you for your first scoop (after you've developed a strong preference for healthy food of course…). it was amazing how different it was to think of a town as “our town” versus “the town where we’ll have a family.”

it got me thinking about what you’ll be like. people in durham are all so different. we've definitely got an eclectic mix around here. will you be an athlete? we can take you to the durham bulls. you might really love baseball, like us. will you be a duke fan? (well, yes, of course you will be, but…) will you prefer art or math and science? there are lots of both kind of folks around here. but you don’t have to like either. you can like history or politics or hula hooping. 

i am already eager to know how much of your papa you’ll have in you. i hope you have a heap of him in you. he is my favorite man in the world. the amazing thing is, God already knows all of this. He is knitting you together. He is shaping your heart and your soul and He knows just what you’ll be like. and just how perfectly you’ll fill the gaps in our lives with your personality.

we love you so much already. your papa kisses you every morning. his whiskers tickle my belly but i let him do it anyway because i love how much he loves you. every little thing that we don’t know about you yet, we love.

april 18, 2013
(~9 weeks)

i feel like i finally met you today. in the tiniest way. we went to the nurse this morning and she put the little spotlight right on you. and boy did you love it. you were wiggling around and your little heart was pounding out of your chest. we couldn't believe how fast it thump thump thumped. never has a sound put me more at ease than hearing your little heart beat. it made my heart pitter-patter and my eyes get teary…ok, they were fulls tears. i couldn't help it. you are real. i didn't really 100% believe it until today.

how certain can we be after two tests? and a missed period? and some gnarly symptoms?

but today i felt very sure. as soon as you popped up on that screen. all nine weeks of you.

my oh my. there just aren't words.

we got to leave with a few photos of you. we texted them to your family immediately. you look like a little gummy bear. a very snuggly little gummy bear, i hope. i have never felt so proud and so completely undeserving all at once.

your papa could have stared at you on that camera all day. i’m surprised he didn't ask if we could just bring the machine home. oh wait, he did. i think he is pretty proud of you too. of that strong little heartbeat and your gummy bear stature.

and i think you have his noggin. :)

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water people, again!

these two water people were having enough of being trapped inland, so we decided to take a last minute trip to wilmington for the day this weekend.

when you grow up on the water you just get spoiled. or hopefully in our case, maybe just really really appreciative for being on the water. and you really miss it when you live smack dab in the middle of a state. we really needed that "a-ha" moment of,

"we actually do live near the ocean!!!!!!!"

so we hopped in the car sunday morning and were on the beach by the time it was getting real warm (just over two hours driving!). we ended up finding a stellar deal on a hotel nearby and decided to stay the night too and beach it again on monday. mini babymoon!

the beach was so beautiful...and that water!

downtown wilmington is down right charming. we headed to the riverfront for some sunset strolling and dinner.

we went from never having been to wilmington or wrightsville beach, to deciding to go every warm saturday from now until infinity... infinity being late november when baby comes and demands our attention on the weekends. and the weekdays. and we will love giving it our attention. but for now, we are doing our best to soak up the remaining "just us" time. and i have a feeling a lot of that time will be spent at this particular beach.

happy late memorial day! what did you spend your weekend doing?

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the truth about surprise pregnancies.

first, let me just get a few elephants out of the room:

no, we weren't trying to get pregnant.
yes, we were actively preventing.
no, this doesn't mean that we aren't out of our minds excited.
no, this doesn't mean that we think our child was an accident. God created it for peet's sake!

ok, phew. now that that's out of the way...

there are obviously some unique feelings and emotions that come along with a surprise pregnancy. particularly if it's your first. and particularly if you have only been married a year and a half and you happen to love it and selfishly want a lot more time just the two of you before having to take a second (and maybe even harder) lesson in dying to self.

we found out march 20, thirty minutes before a bunch of students were heading over to our home for small group. i was a bit "tardy," and feeling particularly nervous about it. adam got home from work, handed me the tests, and our conversation went like this,

"i don't think you are pregnant."
"me either."
[hug]
"do you need to pee?"
[chug a glass of water]
"yep, ok, be right back..."

every other test i'd ever taken was negative. so we were used to this routine. but this time my heart stopped when i realized that there was a second pink line. there was never a second pink line. a second pink line means, gulp,

"adam....it says...i, i, i aaaammm"...(as i start to wail).

i'll never forget how calm adam was in the moment. or how many times i went from fits of laughter straight into gushing tears and then back to laughter again. we were digesting all of the emotion of deciding to start trying and successfully getting pregnant in one fell swoop. i can't promise they were all tears of joy in that first moment. or if any of them were. mostly, they were tears of fear and laughs of "what the heck how did this happen????"

about fifteen minutes later we had to shut it all off and pretend like our lives hadn't just been rocked. after small group, i just remember collapsing with adam. and while there were a thousand thoughts and fears and emotions running through my head, the one i remember the most was this,

"wow, God. this was you."

and to realize that something that happens in your life was so clearly the work of God, is pretty humbling. and it made me realize that this is probably true even of the things i felt that i had been in control of.

while we were busy preventing, God was busy creating. and he had this time picked out for this kid long before we were saying "i do."

and so,

this surprise pregnancy really feels like the most intentional thing God has ever called us to do.



ps, what was finding out like for you? have you ever had a surprise baby? did you feel as emotionally bipolar as i did?

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letters i wrote, one.

before i could tell the world that i had a new little person dwelling inside of me, i wrote notes. notes to a little apple seed-plum sized baby. there are a lot of things you do to help wrap your mind around a surprise first baby. it sounds silly. it would have to me too, until i was the pregnant one.

and then suddenly all i wanted to do was start letting this child into my life. so i wrote notes. 

march 25, 2013:

everywhere we go, i feel like i have a little secret. and that secret is you. as little as you are (apple seed) i feel less lonely no matter where i go now. and sometimes i grin, because you are such a great secret. and knowing you're in there makes me giddy.

everything i have read says that when i’m pregnant i should never run so fast that i can’t talk. today i was running by myself, so i decided that i would have to talk to you. you know, to make sure i was running responsibly. because who else was there?

when i left for my run i slowed my pace way down from the norm. and every few minutes i’d just have a word or two with you. mostly reassuring you myself that we are going to be ok. that we are going to figure this out. and that you are going to show me grace because i’ll have no idea what i’m doing. and that i’ll show you grace when you cry your little guts out for no apparent reason. and that even though you were a surprise, you were the very best surprise i’ve ever gotten.

i think you pretty much agreed with everything i said.

and i felt a little crazy afterward. again, you’re an appleseed. but you’re my sweet little secret appleseed. so sometimes,

i talk to you while i run. 

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sei il nostro domani.

this phrase is italian. it means “you are our future.” until a couple months ago i thought our future consisted of being unko addo and aunty weese. i thought there was a trip to new zealand to visit adam’s loved ones and their bebes next march. i thought there was at least another 1-2 years left of total independence and selfish time together, just the two of us. i thought we were going to be allowed to plan and pick and have our own way.

but now, our future looks a little different.

tranne ora, sei il nostro domani.

you, you are our future now. it frightens me to even write these words. because honestly, i have no idea what they mean. i have no idea what it means to be responsible for growing a human life and then raising it. i have no idea what it means to be a mother and wife at the same time. i am already so afraid. so overwhelmed. and so in love.

i have to admit to you from the beginning: i never expected you to be a surprise. i never expected not to choose when i would become your mamma. i never expected that it would happen quite this early. but what i've realized is that no one really chooses when to become a mamma, or if they will. even if they think they do. and you are the answers to all of our prayers. especially those about timing; about when, where, how to start a family. God gave you to us in His perfect timing.

and so,

suddenly

we are so ready for you.

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